Read Mindy Kaling's 2018 Dartmouth Commencement Speech

2020-02-27 07:14:27    阅读:967880

Mindy Kaling delivered the commencement address on Sunday to graduates at Dartmouth College, her alma mater. Ill tell you my secret, the one thing that has kept me going through the years, my superpower: delusion, said Kaling, who stars in Oceans 8, which opened in theaters on Friday. This is something I may share with our President, a fact that is both horrifying and interesting. Two years in, I think we can pretty safely say that hes not getting carved onto Mount Rushmore; but damn if that is not a testament to how far you can get by just by believing that you are the smartest, most successful person in the world. My point is: You have to have insane confidence in yourself, even if its not real, she added. In between practical life tips buy a toilet plunger, remove proficient at Word from your resume Kaling also directed some dating advice at men: Act as if every woman youre talking to is a reporter for an online publication that you are scared of, she said. One shouldnt need the threat of public exposure and scorn to treat women well; but if thats what its gonna take, fine. And she spoke candidly about the birth of her daughter, Katherine, in December. I remember bringing her home and being in my house with her for the first time and thinking, Huh. According to movies and TV, this is traditionally the time when my mother and spouse are supposed to be here, sharing this experience with me. And I looked around, and I had neither. And for a moment, it was kind of scary. Like, Can I do this by myself?' she said. But then, that feeling went away because the reality is, Im not doing it by myself. Im surrounded by family and friends who love and support me. And the joy I feel from being with my daughter Katherine eclipses anything from any crazy checklist.

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Watch her full speech here. And read her complete remarks, which were published by Dartmouth, on Sunday: Good morning to the Class of 2018, the faculty, the parents, the grandparents, fellow honorees, and the paid laughers I have scattered throughout the audience. It is an honor to join you this morning for this special occasion. It is also an honor to speak to you today from behind this gigantic tree stump. Like some sort of female Lorax with an advanced degree. Thats right, you guys; Im hitting Dr. Seuss hard and early in this speech. Because Dartmouth grads have a privilege unique among all the Ivy League: We will be forced to be mini-experts on Dr. Seuss for our entire lives. On my deathbed, Ill be saying, Did you know that his real name was Theodor Geisel? Did you know he was the editor of the Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern? And yes, while no U.S. Presidents have gone to Dartmouth, we can at least lay claim for the wonderful Dr. Seuss. Another notable alumnus is Salmon P. Chase, the man on the $10,000 bill. A symbolically powerful piece of paper thats largely useless in the real world. Like a degree in playwriting which I received from this very institution. Th

ank you for paying for that, Mom and Dad! Its a thrill to be back here in New Hampshire, the Granite Stat

e, known for two things: the place where you can legally not wear your seatbelt, and Adam Sandlers birthplace. New Hampshire has one of the best mottos of any state: Live Free or Die. For outsiders, it sounds like an exciting declaration of freedom; but when youre here in January, die actually sounds like a pretty good option. I remember the days when it was so cold your sneeze would become an ice sculpture before it hit the ground. In Los Angeles, where I live now, if I sneeze, I just call my doctor and have my blood replaced with that of a teenage track star. Thats normal there. Im mostly track star right now. Before I get any further, I should actually probably clarify who I am for the parents and grandparents in the audience who are thinking to themselves, Who is this loud Indian woman? Is that the girl from Quantico? She looks so much worse in person. No, no, Im not Priyanka Chopra, not even Padma Lakshmi. Im the other Indian woman we have allowed to be on television, Mindy Kaling. Thank you, thank you. You may remember me from my role on The Office as Kelly Kapoor, who internet commenters said wasquoteshrill andquotetook up valuable time that could have gone to Steve Carell. I then created and starred in my own TV show, The Mindy Project. Thank you, thank you very much. It was an uphill battle to get that show on the air, but it was worth it, because it enabled me to become Dartmouths most successful female minority show creator who has spoken at commencement! Oh wait, no. Shonda Rhimes went here. Yup, and shes created like 10 more shows than me, so great. No, cool. Cool, cool, cool, Shonda. Friggin role model, good for you. But today is not about famous alumni. No, no. It is about the men and women who have toiled in obscurity for years so that they might better our country. I speak, of course, of the 51% of Dartmouth grads who will go into financehighest in the Ivy League! Look left. Look right. All three of you will spending at least ten years in a white collar prison. I know that going into the real world sounds scary, but its exciting too. Finally, youll be in control of your own lives. No longer will there be an irrational Board of Trustees telling you you cant have hard liquor on campus, for the ridiculous reason that they dont want you to die. Come tomorrow, no one can stop you from filling your apartment with $4.99 handles of Uncle Satans Unfiltered Potato Vodka. Go crazy. Its a real moment of reflection for me to be standing here speaking to all of you now, because it makes me harken back to my own time at my Dartmouth graduation. Madeleine Albright was my commencement speaker; and while I dont remember any specific quotes she said, or even a general gist of what she was talking about, I do remember thinking: I wonder what it will be like to have my own cell phone? How things have changed. For all I know, at this very moment, most of you are posting this speech on your Instagram stories with a GIF of Winnie the Pooh twerking. If you are, please at least use my official hashtag, #MindyGoesBigGreen2018. Thank you. I bet none of you remember a time before the internet. Hell, you probably dont even remember a time before the Facebook page, Dartmouth Memes for Co

ld AF Teens. Yeah, yeah. I know about that. Made me feel like a real creep researching it. Hello, Im a 38yearold woman who wants to join your teen Facebook group. Its for research, I swear! Meanwhile, when I was in college, we didnt even have Google. If you wanted to find out, say, how tall Ben Affleck was, you were out of luck. You just had to sit there, not knowing, and your entire day would be ruined. Or, say I wanted to meet up with a friendI couldnt just text her. I had to walk outside and hope I accidentally bumped into her. Or, I blitzed her. Ah, BlitzMail. You know that feeling you have when you tell your friends that you blitz and they dont get it and you roll your eyes all smug like, Oh, its a Dartmouth thing. That ends today. You try to say blitz one hundred yards east of White River Junction and you will get laughed back to your one-room triple in the Choates. Fun fact: In 2001, the year I graduated, a pinkeye epidemic broke out amongst my classmates because we were all using public BlitzMail iMac terminals and not washing our hands. Those are just kind of the sexy stories indicative of my time at Dartmouth. You have so many cool new things here now. Like, look at the new logo, the D-Pine. Its beautiful. It reminds me of what college-aged Mindy thought a marijuana leaf might look like, but I was too scared to actually find out. And this new House System sounds really cool! Its so Hogwarts-y. You know, youre sorted into your little Gryffindors and Ravenclaws, except theyre called South House. West House. School House. Okay, come on guys. School House? Really? Were just saying what we see? Thats the laziest name Ive ever heard in my life, and Ive spent over a decade working on shows called The Office and The Mindy Project. Still, I remember sitting where youre sitting. I was so full of questions like, When is this thing going to end? and How many friends can I invite to dinner and still have mom and dad pay? And, most importantly, Why didnt I wear any clothes underneath my gown? Now were reaching the part of the speech where I am supposed to tell you something uplifting, like follow your dreams. In general, advice isnt actually an effective way to change your life. If all it took to make your life great was hearing amazing advice, then everyone who watched TED Talks would be a millionaire. So dont trust any one story of how to become successful. As Madeline Albright said at my commencement see, I dont remember anything. And I did just fine. So here is some practical advice that you may or may not remember at the end of this speech because, hey, thats the gig: First off, remove Proficient at Word from your resume. That is ridiculous. Youre really scraping the bottom of the barrel of competency there. This is how you become proficient at Word: You open Word on your computer. Most of your post-college life is simply filling out forms. Car insurance, health insurance, W-2s. W-4

s, 1099s. Guess what? None of us know what any of those forms mean, but you will fill out a hundred of them before you die.  You never need more than one pancake. Trust me on this. Cartoons have trained us to want a giant stack of those bad boys, but order one first and then just see how you feel later.  This one is just for guys: When you go on dates, act as if every woman youre talking to is a reporter for an online publication that you are scared of. One shouldnt need the threat of public exposure and scorn to treat women well; but if thats what its gonna take, fine. Date like everyones watching because we are. And this might be the most importantbuy a toilet plunger. Trust me on this. Dont wait until you need a plunger to buy a plunger. Comme护民118图库彩图图库 ncement is a time of transition for parents, too. That empty nest you were enjoying these past four years? Gone as soon as this speech is over. I hope you like fulltime lodge

rs who dont pay rent, dont do laundry, eat all the food in your fridge, and binge Family Guy on your sofa for weeks. That is your life now. Although some of your graduates will be making more money than you51% to be exact. And to the parents of those investment bankers, consultants, and hedge fund analystscongratulations. Your kids will be fabulously wealthy but still somehow sharing your cell phone plan because itquotesaves everybody money. Okay, now lets get real. Let me rip off the Band-Aid for all you, the 18s. Next year, the next year of your life is going to be bad. You have been in the comfortable fleece-lined womb of mother Dartmouth for four years now, and youre gonna go out in the cold, hard world. Out there in the real world, there will be a target on your back. People will want to confirm their expectations of Ivy League graduatesthat youre a jerk, that youre spoiled, that you use the word summer as a verb. Those stereotypes exist for a reason. I mean come on, the guy from the $10,000 bill went to this school. Youre graduating into a world where it seems like everything is falling apart. Trust in institutions are at a record low; the truth doesnt seem to matter anymore; and for all I know, the president just tweeted us into a war with Wakanda, a country that doesnt exist.  So, Class of 2018, you are entering a world that we have toppledwe have toppledlike a Jenga tower, and we are relying on you to rebuild it. But how can you do that with the knowledge that things are so unstable out there? Ill tell you my secret, the one thing that has kept me going through the years, my superpower: delusion. This is something I may share with our president, a fact that is both horrifying and interesting. Two years in, I think we can pretty safely say that hes not getting carved onto Mount Rushmore; but damn if that is not a testament to how far you can get by just by believing that you are the smartest, most successful person in the world. My point is: You have to have insane confidence in yourself, even if its not real. You need to be your own cheerleader now, because there isnt a room full of people waiting with pompoms to tell you, You did it! Weve been waiting all this time for you to succeed! So Im giving you permission to root for yourself. And while youre at it, root for those around you, too. It took me a long time to realize that success isnt a zero-sum game which leads me to the next part of my remarks. I thought I might take a second to speak to the ladies in the audience. (Guys, take a break; you dont have to pay attention during this part. Maybe spend the next 30 seconds thinking about all the extra money youll make in your life for doing the same job as a woman. Pretty sweet.) Hey girls, we need to do a better job of supporting each other. I know that I am guilty of it too. We live in a world where it seems like theres only room for one of us at the table. So when another woman shows up, we think, Oh my god, shes going to take the one woman spot! That was supposed to be mine! But thats just what certain people want us to do! Wouldnt it be better if we worked together to dismantle a system that makes us feel like theres limited room for us? Because when women work together, we can accomplish anything. Even stealing the worlds most expensive diamond necklace from the Met Gala, like in Oceans 8, a movie starring me, which opens in theaters J

une 8th. And to that end, women, dont be ashamed to toot your own horn like I just did. Okay, guys, you can listen again. You didnt miss much. Just remember to see Oceans 8, now playing in theaters nationwide. Oceans 8: Every con has its pros. Now I wanted to share a little bit about me, Mindy Kaling, the Dartmouth student. When I came to Hanover in the fall of 1997, I was, as many of you were: driven, bright, ambitious, and really, really into The Black Eyed Peas.

I arrived here as a 17-year-old, took the lay of the land, and immediately began making a checklist of everything I wanted to accomplish. I told myself that by the time I graduated in 2001, I would have checked them all off. And here was my freshman fall ch

ecklist: be on Hanover crew, be on Lodge crew, be in an a cappella group, be in an improv troupe, write a play thats performed at the Bentley, and do a cartoon for the D, and try to be in a cool senior society. And guess what? I completed that checklist. But before you think: Wait, why is this woman just bragging about her accomplishments from 17 years ago? keep listening. Then, I graduated. And I made a new checklist for my twenties: get married by 27, have kids at 30, win an Oscar, be the star of my own TV show, host the MTV Music Awards (this was 2001, guys; it made more sense then), and do it all while being a size 2. Well, spoiler alert: Ive only done one of those things, and Im not sure I will ever do the others. And that is a really scary feeling. Knowing how far that Ive strayed from the person that I was hoping to be when I was 21. I will tell you a personal story. After my daughter was born in December, I remember bringing her home and being in my house with her for the first time and thinking, Huh. According to movies and TV, this is traditionally the time when my mother and spouse are supposed to be here, sharing this experience with me. And I looked around, and I had neither. And for a moment, it was kind of scary. Like, Can I do this by myself?  But then, that feeling went away because the reality is, Im not doing it by myself. Im surrounded by family and friends who love and support me. And the joy I feel from being with my daughter Katherine eclipses anything from any crazy checklist. So I just want to tell you guys, dont be scared if you dont do things in the right order, or if you dont do some things at all. I didnt think Id have a child before I got married, but hey, it turned out that way, and I wouldnt change a thing. I didnt think Id have dessert before breakfast today, but hey, it turned out that way and I wouldnt change a thing. So if I could impart any advice, its this: If you have a checklist, good for you. Structured ambition can sometimes be motivating. But also, feel free to let it go. Yes, my culminating advice from my speech is a song from the Disney animated movie, Frozen. Ive covered a lot of ground today, not all of it was serious, but I wanted to leave you with this: I was not someone who should have the life I have now, and yet I do. I was sitting in the chair you are literally sitting in right now and I just whispered, Why not me? And I kept whispering it for seventeen years; and here I am, someone that this school deemed worthy enough to speak to you at yo

ur commencement. Dont let anyone tell you that you cant do something, but especially not yourself. Go conquer the world. Just remember this: Why not you? You made it this far. Thank you very much, and congratulations to the Class of 2018. Write to Katie Reilly at Katie.Reilly@time.com.

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